Case of the Ex

Hello and welcome to the Queendom!

I won’t prolong this by doing a super long intro. I’ve been asked on several occasions, How Do I Deal with My Ex? Have you ever found yourself asking that question? I mean, it’s been decided by either you or the other person that the connection you shared has now run its course and it’s time to call it quits. However, what a lot of individuals don’t realize is that even though the decision has been made, there is a whole other process that takes place after-the-fact. I’m here today to shed some light, from my personal experience of course, on what that process could look like. If you’re the least bit interested (ok maybe a lot interested), then keep on reading.

The term ex simply means “without”. So, when breaking up with someone, you become “without” them. The same is true with anything you consciously break up with. It doesn’t have to be a person to be considered an ex. It could be a job, a friendship, a place, a habit, and so on, but one thing that I do know is that we ALL have an ex-something. So, I want to go over my so-called 4 Stages of a Break-Up:

Stage 1: Upset

This is the stage where one person is upset about the break-up (usually the person who messed it up). During this stage, the upset person tries to anger the non-upset person using every piss-off tactic known to man. It’s very important for you to understand that the sole purpose during this stage is to create anger in you. They want to upset you the same way they are upset. How does that saying go? Misery loves company. Well, this is that stage. They’re miserable so they want you to be miserable. I know, I know it’s not fair, but hey that’s life. This stage is universal amongst any type of ex. If it’s a person, they’ll try to make you mad just to get you talking. It doesn’t even matter if you don’t have anything nice to say, as long as you’re saying something. If it’s a habit, that thing will have you going through withdrawals like a dope fiend waiting on a welfare check. If it’s a place, it’s going to seem like the most lit place on Earth the minute YOU decide to stop going there. I could keep going, but you catch my drift.

Stage 2: Silent Treatment

The Silent Treatment stage, this comes after their attempts to upset you have been unsuccessful. Pat yourself on the back because you made it to a new level of self-control! Well, that self-control is about to be tested when it’s least needed. I know that sounds a little confusing but let me explain. During this stage the upset person has ran out of options to get you to upset enough to talk to them so, they decide to try this idiotic form of reverse psychology by not talking to you. As dumb as it might sound, this stage gets a lot of people wondering and oftentimes they end up reaching out, which was the intended goal.  So now you’re worried about them when they get silent. You start wondering if they’re okay, if they’ve moved on, and so on. It’s during this phase, where you need the least amount of physical self-control, that you need to develop a healthy level of mental control. Police your thoughts! Be ok with the fact that YOU chose you. Not to sound harsh, but you almost have to “not care” how they are coping with the break-up. Your first and main priority should always be YOUR well-being.

Stage 3: Nice to Entice

So, if you made through Stage 2 unscathed, you’re the MVP! Let’s see if you make it through Stage 3. Stage 3 is what I like to call the “Nice to Entice” stage. Upset didn’t work, reverse psychology silent treatment didn’t work, so now they try the nice approach. This is the stage where they go back to the basics. They try to re-win what they lost in you. They start to reflect on the relationship, where things went wrong, and try to re-create the flame. Sorry to say, some fires just can’t be sparked again. Nevertheless, this is a period where some exes began to truly feel remorse for the toxicity they created in the relationship. They realize the value you added to their life and how they let it just slip away. This is their last chance to try to win back your heart. So, they start doing all the things they can remember that won you over the first time. Sweet nothings in your inbox, surprise gifts, seemingly changed behavior, and such. For some, this is the sucker phase. They start to fall for the okedoke and fall right back into the same toxic relationship they got free from. For others, this could be the beginning of a beautiful love story that started a little rocky. In either scenario, the key is to TRUST YOUR GUT.

Stage 4: Give Up the Ghost

If you made it to this stage, your gut was telling you to stand firm in your decision. This is the point where you have blocked everything the ex has sent your way and have been made stronger for it. You begin to breathe new air, start focusing on yourself more, becoming a better YOU for you. Hooray, you’ve began to tap into your PURPOSE! Its in this final stage where the ex is finally convinced that you are Done, Done and they have to move on. Maybe you can still be friends, maybe you can’t but regardless you can NEVER be an item again. It can be a tough pill to swallow but swallow they must. They have to give up the ghost.

I hope that after reading this, it helps you evaluate some exes in your life and properly identify what stage you’re in. I don’t profess to know it all, but I do know that my experiences were not intended to only benefit me. So, in that regard, I’m sharing them with the world!

Happy Reading!

-Queen K